Empty Barrels Make the Most Noise

Hey guys, long time I know, pardon me…just been very busy…but God is good!

Ok, so those of you that know me well know that this is my favourite saying of all time: “empty barrels make the most noise”. Seriously, try it out, you will find that it is empirically correct on all grounds.

Have you ever been on Facebook, Twitter or know someone, whose life is a live broadcast?

I should know I used to be one of those people. I was ridiculous; if I sneezed I will put it up. Oh and the exaggerations! You know, the lies…I used to wait for Top Shop to have their sales, buy a shoe for £10 and broadcast that I bought it for the original price…sad I know!

But seriously, you know the people who go on about how many designer shoes they got, how many holidays they got planned in one month, how much the shoes or bags their admirers bought them are, oh yeah and how lucky and blessed they are to have this ‘perfect’ life that everybody else should envy?

Have you ever read or heard those things and questioned why you are so unlucky in love/life and why is it that all the men that approach you are just mere 9am to 5pm workers? Why the only presents/things you ever get from your admirers and boyfriends are just text messages, the brief phone call that only last a minute or the teddy bear that they gave you on your birthday that you cuddle every night?

 Ok I have to come clean, my other half, (my best friend) will tell you I was the best at this game of self loathing. All I had to do was hear that this girl got the latest LV bag or phone, and I will be off…oh God when will it be my turn, why am I so cursed, is it because I am fat…the list goes on…! I wasn’t jealous, I just wanted my life to also have meaning…hmmmm…again, sad I know!

BUT, let’s think about this very carefully, I believe we are all special and have the right to be treated as such BUT when do we draw the line at being treated as the queens that we are and being bought at a price? Because lets face it, no one will EVER give you something for free in this world. You can disagree if you want but this is my opinion.

These days, we have become so acquainted with the VANITIES of society that it becomes an insult to us when (for example) a regular guy on a monthly salary even dares to approach us.

You know, we want the big spenders and the high rollers, not someone that has to calculate his outgoings and save up to get us the watch our friends are wearing, oh hell no!

If you are like me, I need you to take a minute and think about this, would rather hold a bag that you know was given to you as a ‘present’ but in actuality, its payment for your services or a text message you know comes from his heart?

Would you rather the big fancy holidays with a stranger you’ve only met once or twice or a nervous phone call from the one who likes you so much that he is shaking in his boots at the sound of your voice?

 In the process, ask yourself this, if these so called HAPPY people were so busy being whisked on adventures, shopping sprees and present openings, will they really have time to document and broadcast it live to you and me?

They answer is NO!

Honestly, I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get carried away by the make-belief world these people are selling…and if you are reading this and you are one of those people, SHAME ON YOU!!!

Ok, granted, someone has bought you the odd watch or whatever but really, what were their intentions? (I am NOT referring to relationships) How can you meet a total stranger, you don’t even know what he does for a living, what his name actually is, where he lives or what he wants from you and accept gifts from him and be so PRUD to boast about it…what noise is your barrel making?

In concluding, I have learnt to be happy with the little I have, and now I know that there is NO maturity in washing your laundry in public for the world to comment on how white they are.

There is nothing to be envious of when it comes to others, because you DO NOT know the price they have paid.

And finally, I accept money makes the world go round, but does shoes and bags?

Come on people, LETS FILL UP OUR BARRELS SO THAT WHEN WE MOVE, WE MOVE WITH A BANG NOT AND EMPTY ECHOING NOISE.

Lead Us Not into Temptation

True friendship

Before reading, ask your self “Who is my best friend”?

Have you answered that?

Ok, now I want you to answer this question: “Why is this person my best friend”?

Not so easy to answer huh?

I have never questioned my friendships because I have always been open about how I feel about the people I claim to be my friends. But recently, I have been forced to sit down and redefine my friendship with certain people in my life.

In today’s society, friendship can be formed on so many levels. There are now many types of friends with different functions in our lives; here are three MAIN examples of list of the type of friends I believe exists today:

• Facebook/BB/Twitter Friends- these are the friends that we only see on Facebook, you know the ones that we keep track of ONLY through their pictures and profiles updates.
• Old School/childhood friends- this is your friends you went to school with and still keep in contact with BUT the only thing you ever talk about when you see each other, is the PAST! There is nothing wrong with this because sometimes it’s good to reminisce.
• Red Carpet Friends- these are the ‘cool & pretty’ friends that we want to be seen with. These friends only want us around (or vice versa) to boost their confidence or to boost social status and for reaction.

In light of this, how can one confidently claim true friendship with the other?

How would you then define your friendships?

Are you surrounded by real friendships or just confirmed friend requests?

 It is very important that we can answer these questions because it can lead us into danger and therefore TEMPTATION.

If you do not know who your true friend is, how can you progress in life?

You might think not think or value the importance of this topic because you thin friends come and go but note that our generation tend to depend more on friendships that even families. When it comes to personal discussions and seeking of advice, we often tend to rely on our friends and look to them for answers. When it comes to self esteem we look to our friends for approval.

So, think about this carefully, if the people you are seeking these answers from do not truly care about you, how will they recognise the NEED in your quest and CARE ENOUGH to help you?

True friendship IS based on care AND trust not care OR trust. The two must EXIST and remain in BALLANCE for a true friendship to exist and grow.

Friendship should NOT be based on one person feeling inferior to the other because real friends COMPLIMENT each other.

If you feel pressured to impress your friends, PLEASE pull back and evaluate the friendship.

There are no rules that say because your friend has sacrificed or been there for you, you are indebted to them to the extent where they are NEVER wrong and that your friendship cannot be questioned.

DO NOT BE LED INTO TEMPTATION.

There are so many people selling you fake friendship through many ways. Have you ever stopped to ask your self WHY?

• WHY is it that my friend is always trying to HOOK you up with guys?

(I call these BRIDEPRICE friends straight pimping your behind in broad daylight! SMDH)

• WHY is that he/she sees me struggling but all we ever talk about is how many shoes and bags her boyfriend/girlfriend bought them last week?

(Because they couldn’t give two monkeys about your struggle, all they need is someone to show off to so they fell better about themselves.)

Isn’t friendship loyal?

So why is your friend quick to believe what she reads about you on Facebook?

Why is your friend so quick to tell the world secretes you have told them the minute you have a fight?

Just because you’re in all her/his pictures does not make you a friend.

DO NOT choose a friend based on the exaggerated truths they tell you or post online. People lie to impress…simples!

Friendship should not be based what you think you can gain from the other, that is just Using!

Rather, surround yourself with people that will help you grow in maturity, emotionally and spiritually NOT people that will drain you off every thing you have.

Do not allow your self to be used for someone else’s gain all in the name of FRIENDSHIP.

IT’S A GIVE AND TAKE NOT JUST GIVE!!!

DO NOT BE LED INTO TEMPTATION.

Choose wisely!!!

A View from the BRIDGE

Perceptions

Have you ever wondered how people see you and what think of you?

No?

Well, neither did I

So imagine my shock today when my ‘postman’ referred to me as a person with No Future Aspects.

Ok so it all started last week when I had a delivery for my (up and coming) business. Anyway, the doorbell rang at about 12 noon and I answered opened, as you would. I was on the phone discussing a wedding I am organising with the bride, so after asking the bride to hold on, I and the ‘postman’ exchanged the usual pleasantries, I signed and off he went.

Today, another parcel came for me and lo and behold it was the same gentleman and yes, I was on the phone (again), only this time it was to my one and only side kick.

This time I and the postman did not end our usual pleasantries with just a signing and a good bye but by exchanging bb pins.

A couple of hours later, me and the ‘postman’ were engaged in a very interesting conversation. I say interesting because of the speed at which he had come to a conclusion about me. However, after getting acquainted with ‘Thick Madame’ (the posts on the blog), he was confused and decided to confront me.

According to him, he thought I was an AIMLESS person who just sleeps all day and just orders stuff online and basically EXIST!

That’s not all, (oh NO!) after seeing me just twice for about 8mins, the ‘postman’ was convinced that I had children, no future aspects, jobless and even called me a GANGSTER to my face!  

Surprised?

I was.

Not of his thoughts and prejudged opinions of me, but by the speed at which he had come to these conclusions.

I am not writing about this experience because I am upset with him but I am fascinated by this thing we call life and the process of how we can form opinions about people and hold on to it so passionately.

I am sure if he came to my house and I was dressed up (or at least showered) and not always on the phone his perception of me would have been different.

Or would it?

On the contrary, after finding out that I am a graduate, own my own company (legit and registered by the way) and have countless future goals, the apologies did not stop coming. But then this has left me wondering, how many postmen I have come across who also have this perception of me.

However, reflecting back on my previous post (At what Cost?) I thought there is absolutely nothing I can do but be ME and stay true to ME!

We are all guilty of seeing people and judging them by what we see or even by what we hear about them, sometimes we become so convinced by our prejudice that we begin to act on them.

Many people actually start hating people because of what their friends think and say about them. Sometimes, our narrow-mindedness are confirmed but many a times WE ARE WRONG!

Only thing I have learned from this is that, you can not please everybody so I beg you all BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE. This way when people get you wrong, you can just laugh it off because you know WHO YOU ARE.

Remember the View from the Bridge is not always as convincing as it may seem…!

AT WHAT COST?

tRUE cONFIDENCE 

In my quiet times, I always ponder over the idea of what ‘true confidence’ is and what it entails, you know like how do I know that I am truly confident and not just telling lies to myself to feel better or just living up to the hype of expectations and opinions.

Then I came across the poem PHENOMENAL WOMAN by Maya Angelou. After reading this poem over and over (by which I mean twice) I have begun to understand and accept that I am on the right path of finding ‘true confidence’.

 I use the phrase ‘on the right path’ because I cannot and will not allow myself think that I AM FULLY CONFIDENT. (then I will be deluding myself an just be thinking foolishly)

Let me tell you a bit about myself, I have never been one to care about the latest fashion or trends, I always thought that this was because I was different but the truth is that, its because I was never awarded the privilege of deciding if I wanted the nice things in life. (no, I was not a tramp, my parents are just Africans…lol)

Growing up, I have trained myself to like what others hate and hate what was attractive to my peers. It is this way of thinking that had me questioning my ‘acquired’ confidence in the less appreciated things. (I mean, out of fashion clothes/shoes…yeah basically my charity shop bargains)

In my quest to find myself, I started to question whether I was actually happy being ‘me’ or was I just finding ways to be ‘content’ with what I had.

It was at this time that I took notice of the pressures around me.

(Yeah! you know what I am talking about because you are under the same pressure too).

Maybe it’s always been there but it seems these days if a girl does not own and make use of her TOPSHOP store card she is NOT worth adding on Face book. I mean girls are now dressing like the ‘manikins’ in shop windows,(what wrong with that?) they all look plastic!

(Hmmmm…you know am going to talk about it so wait…I will come to that….!)

Speaking to a friend the other day, I found out that the latest THING to have as an IT girl is a pair of Christian Loubuiton (pardon my spelling I’ve never seen one before) shoes which retails from about £500 (if I am not mistaking), my friend calls them the STUDENT LOAN shoes!

I now what you’re thinking, I promise I am not hating, but if you have to use half your student loan to buy a pair of shoes to stay RELEVENT in your circle of friends yet, you do not own a house, car or even shares, then there is something wrong.

I am all for looking and feeling good but at a point you have to ask yourself AT WHAT COST?

And then there is the all famous BRAZILLIAN HAIR! (What, I said and?) I mean what happened to the likes of Premium Now and Plus & even Milky way? (I am not going to lie if I ha hair I will definitely be tempted on that hype too because it looks good)

But, In London now, all I see are clones and copies, to me almost every black girl looks the same. There is no more individuality or expression of one’s self anymore. I go to a club and all I see are DRAWN on eyebrows (some actually look like they’ve used RULER) with heaps of FAKE BRAZILLIAN hair (even BRAZILLIAN people DON’T LOOK THAT RIDICULOUS!)

Back to my thoughts, I have been so disgusted by this new trend and show of deteriorating self esteem amongst my peers that I panicked and thought, “wait! Stop the hating and admit it, you know you want some”. But again I ask, AT WHAT COST?

Maya Angelou is not the prettiest women by conventional standards yet she won a Nobel Prize and is seen to be one of the most influential women of our times, when she speaks, men, presidents even the world listens, how did she achieve that, AT WHAT COST?

I’ll tell you, not by succumbing to the pressures of her peers or social standards and certainly not by VANITY but PHENOMENALLY.

I admit it is tempting but I am on the right track of gaining true confidence!

Because I understand the fact that I am different and that my confidence needs NO APPROVAL!

I accept that true confidence does not depend on your hair, your clothes, bags or size of your LV purse BUT rather “in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. Phenomenally,” a great (confident) person you can be!

Besides, I cannot be pressured into entertaining annoying GUYS because of what they COULD or COULD NOT afford to buy me.

I am not judging on any body, all I am saying is REMEMBER BEAUTY FADES so ask yourself, AT WHAT COST?

The Next Level!

Rules of Conduct 2

Courtship/Relationship

So after agreeing to progress your friendship from dating to the next level this is where it gets interesting.

Guys & Dolls PLEASE make sure both parties know that you are now in a COMMITED relationship/courtship. This will avoid the embarrassment and heartache of the classic “but you’re my girlfriend though” announcement later down the line.

I have to admit I get a bit confused when it comes to courtship and relationship. I have found myself asking well, what is the difference?

YEAH! I know what you’re thinking (long!)…but if you think deeply, you will notice some differences.

For example, look at it this way, When I think of relationship, I think COMMITMENT, long conversation at night (you know till morning? No? ohk maybe its just me then!), all the ‘BABY THIS & BABY THAT’ (nauseating) however, when I think of courtship the thought of MARRAIGE surfaces. (scary I know!)

But when I finally gathered my thoughts together I came to the conclusion that relationship and courtship is in fact one and the same!  And that whichever way you want to look at it THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SERIOUS!!!

So here goes…these are my TOOLS to see me through (if I ever get there):         

• Let your self go and JUMP! If you took your time and dated patiently, you will have confidence that your landing will be smooth…(girls! knowing MEN…I say KEEP THE FAITH! lol)
• Do not get complacent and allow your partner to slip away

REMEMBER! You are still getting to know each other after all Rome was not built in one day!

• Keep the activities and some distance still - this will allow room for more effort to be made on your partner’s side and still keep things interesting. (You don’t want to get bored of him/her already)
• Start the introductions (only to people you KNOW & TRUST) avoid Face book if you can! (it’s a bit tacky)
• PLEASE! Refrain from jumping into his/her bed straight away (unless the chemistry is FIRE lol)
• You can KISS! (if you’re anything like me, you would have kissed him already but hey, I never said I was perfect)
• Open up a little bit more (family, fears, aspirations, future goals, kids, marriage…) There’s still NO guarantee that you will live HAPPILY ever after with this person BUT if you do, you want to make sure YOU ARE COMPATABLE!
• For the MONEY loving ladeez (& brovaz too)…THIS IS NOT permission to rob your partner dry… about “baby all my friends have got the new blackberries and Cici’s BF bought her a LV bag” so what…? Am very sure your partner appreciated your style (or something) when he/she met you so don’t insult them by being…well u get the point!
• Don’t think that because you are committed to each other you can get away with crap…like nagging and arguing about everything, for the girls and guys PLEASE do not think that you can all of a sudden start ignoring us and replying the 15 text messages, bbm pings and phonecalls when you feel like it!

The root of the word, courtship, derives from an ancient Indo-European term, “gher”, which directly translated means to “grasp or enfold”.  During this stage, please, allow your partner to ‘grasp’ and ‘enfold’ you both literally and metaphorically…*wink*wink*

Would you DO THAT?

Rules of Conduct

A lot of people including myself have lost sight of what Dating actually is and what it involves, you know like the rules and conducts of dating, like: DO I KISS ON THE FIRST DATE?

Well, in my boredom, I allowed my imaginations to run wild and this is what I think!

Dating

This is the stage after boy meets girl, numbers or bb pins are exchanged and you start talking and getting to know each other.

Ok, so depending on the level of attraction and where you are at the time like emotionally, psychologically and all that, this stage should NOT take more than 8 weeks.

Dating is only to determine whether or not the other person is worth entering into a relationship or courtship with.

Of course after a first or second date, you may decide he/she is the one, still DO NOT rush to the next stage, take the time to date and enjoy each other before all the heavy stuff relationship/courtship brings.

If you’re NOT feeling the person…just END it but amicably.

 These are MY rules I follow:

• All dates should be out and NEVER at home (your or his)
• Contact can be made as you please but its still early days so minimise telephone conversation and keep some mystery and intrigue
• MAKE TIME to see each other and spend time together
• Explore each others interests and experience new things together
• Be open and make sure both parties UNDERSTAND that you are ONLY dating therefore there is NO commitment
• Keep your options open
• If you are dating other people, be open with each other and respect each others decision
• DO NOT discuss your OTHER dates with each other AT ALL after its been put out there
• The Only form of bodily contact or intimacy should start with a hand shake and END with a HUG
• DO NOT KISS him/her. This leads to other things and may confuse and/or rush things
• Control EMOTIONS (girls I don’t care if you’re on your period, allow the sudden outbursts)
• Share the bill or (girls) at least offer to pay sometimes. This demonstrates maturity, independence and assures him that you can hold your own and him when he can’t.
• Unless its work or family, DO NOT pick calls or play with your phone when your together
• DO NOT make ANY introductions when dating (yes this includes posting pics up or changing your relationship status on FACEBOOK/TWITTER to ITS COMPLICATED). You don’t know where you two are going to end up and by bringing others n before you are will confuse things for you. WAIT TILL YOU ARE SURE
• Keep things casual NO deep dark secretes or confessions (yet)
• Be honest BUT hold back heavy stuff for if/when you get to the next stage
• When you feel like you want to move on (either to the next stage or NOT) discuss it, talk, be open about your reasons for your decisions and please LISTEN to each other you WILL learn something from each other.